"TAKE YOUR BRAINS OUT!" -Mr. Van Kelly "There is nothing stupider than a stupid pot head." -Ms. Carol Burton "Do you know what-what-do you know what Anna told me last year? She told me-she told me the CIA was brainwashing her cows!" -Mr. Van Kelly "Now see because before you took off your shoes Glen was acting normal." -Mr. Van Kelly "Now see I give you the work and you eat the paper." -Mr. Van Kelly "Now see because I graduated high school when I was 36. Actually 38, I lied about my age." -Mr. Van Kelly "There are two places in the world that have true democracies. One of them is AA meetings, and the other is the horse races." -Mr. Van Kelly "I AM NOT A PERVERT." -Mr. Van Kelly "I am like General Macarther. I will determine." -Mr. Van Kelly "Shutup! I don't know who I'm talking to!" -Mr. Van Kelly "Depressed is when you're sad to the point of being depressed." -Mr. Van Kelly "Mental illness is on the rise in this country. You can see it in this classroom." -Mr. Van Kelly "Now, I KNOW you're not a mole person!" -Mr. Van Kelly "Good people, I am sorry." -Mr. Van Kelly "Now you can memorize anything if you put your mind to it. Come over here, look at this. This is a list of over 100 Byzantine emperors with the dates of birth and death, and I didn't miss one. It only took me two sittings. Now you see, this is what you can accomplish." -Mr. Van Kelly "You guys just don't explore your bodies enough." -Ben Miller "Lucas, you are a very flatulent boy and you have hard time concentrating. You must have a gluten allergy." -Lucas's mom "This dinner is tittilating!" -Lucas's mom "Do you mind if I open all the windows? THIS IS MY HOUSE. I AM OPENING ALL THE WINDOWS." -Max's dad "Harold is Max's mutant uncle. We keep him in the sub basement." -Max's dad. "Max, you are so easily distracted. Look I found this baby book, your first babysitter used to leave you crying while she crocheted and watched tv." -Max's mom "I'm just, you know, gettin' wasted and hooking up with anything that moves." -Laura Bogar "Maybe that's a setting." -Max "The please turn off whenever I don't want you to setting?" -Anna "Well, it's kind of like the dark spot setting." -Max "Man, I wish I was on myspace right now." -Chrystine "Zoe I am NOT a whore." -me "I know, you are like the earth. Tough and strong on the outside, but on the inside you are like the mantle." -Zoe "What's in my mantle?" -Anna "Magma." -Zoe "I can't hang out. I'm donating blood." -Zoe "Are you serious, you cheater peter pumpkin eater?" -Rio "I don't hang out with Ross because he doesn't eat organic tomatoes." -Max "Earthquakes come from gian men screwing mountains." -Lucas "Maybe giant men spring out of the ground...LIKE DWARVES!" -Lucas "Sexist thoughts reign o'er him." -Mr. Miranda "I won't tell her she's not my type until we're in the heated throws of sexual intercourse." -Lucas "Carol, your tongue is green!" -Me "Why would it be green? My drink is blue." -Carol "Because blue and red makes green, and your tongue is kind of red." -Me "Blue and red doesn't make green. It makes brown." -Carol "No! It makes purple! Your tongue is actually blue." -Anna "Maybe it would be faster if we cut the baby's head out of the penis and put it on the bunny cake." -Ross (on Friends) When setting up a fish tank: "Chrystine, do you think the plants will catch on fire?" -Brianna "I don't know, we better move them." -Chrystine "Why is the computer on the dish drainer you guys?" -me "Because it has the squid cleaning instructions." -Sarah "How can you not be consumed when the flames of love lick round your soul?" -chocolate wrapper fortune "What shall thou do with all of thy junk inside of thy trunk?" -Lucas "You can call people ugly if they're ugly on the inside." -Lucas "Lucas is such a jork. Oh, I saw that we were on Lucas Place and the words got scrambled. You know, by the magic." -Zoe "Grits is the porn version of oatmeal" -Russell Blount "Stick a cork up there and stop goes the flow!" -Lucas "They're almost like women's nipples." -Anna "I know! I've tried touching them. They are so puffy!" -Lucas "Whoa! Well hello there Mr. Marijuana!" -Chrystine "Coffee cake. COFFEE CAKE!" -Chrystine After taking a long phone call during Spanish 2nd period: "YES YES YES YES YEAH OH YEAH I GOT THE JOB I GOT THE JOB!!!!" -Rio "Oh my god where where?" -everyone else "QUIZNO'S!!!!!!" -Rio "One time I tried getting out of bed on the wrong side and I felt fine." -Lucas "Maybe I can't do it because I'm left handed. But I'm not left handed." -Lorraine "Breathe out the bottom of your butt!!" -Ms. Burton "Now we're doing the fine tuning. Stories have acts and scenes and paragraphs and sentences and words and letters just as people have bodies and arms and legs and fingers and eyes and eye lashes and molecules and atoms. Wait, do people have atoms?" -Mr. Miranda While I was drawing in the air with my finger: "Anna, what are you doing?" -Jill "Oh, just coloring." -me "It's like watching the discovery channel!" -Brianna "Something smelly just wafted by. It's the old people!" -Brianna "Man. I wish I hadn't thrown that bag of munchies at that fence." -Chrystine "Maybe its a skinless butt-dent!"' -Nick Planert "Yeah, a swollen skinless butt-dent!" -Sam Pickel "Pretend like your sucking your chin into the back of your throat. Yes. Like that. Excellent." -Anna "Yes that's an old man tendancy!" -Amanda "If your parents ask you what you did in English today, you can just tell them you spend an hour and a half talking about the occult relationship between man and the vegetable. In a windowless room. Naked." -Mr. Lovre "Just trust me when I say it's like dyslexic vampires." -Mr. Lou "The lion dancers?! You know I don't like Asian kids!" -Mr. Lovre "Is that an eye?" -Anna "Yes" -Maia "Good, cause it's an ugly vagina" -Anna "FUCK! Why aren't there any good cat colors?!" -Nick